Backyard Godzilla

Our day started out in normal fashion. Breakfast and playtime went by quickly, nap time coincided for both boys and I was able to clean the house from top to bottom AND do laundry. I prayed for this to happen and God decided to shower mercy on my husband's sock drawer which was in low supply. The boys woke up and we played together a bit more, ate lunch and started our quiet time routine. The Bear "read" quietly in his library, Cubby was in his walker by the window, looking at the tree, and I was kneading dough in the kitchen. 

Do you ever get the feeling that something is not quite right? Well I got that feeling as I was forming the pile of dough. I couldn't shake the feeling. I dusted off my hands and peaked in on each kid. No missing diaper poop disasters, no ink pen tsunamis, no baby powder explosions, nothing. Hmm.  

Then I looked out the window. 

Our dog, a small west highland terrier with more diva attitude than Diana Ross, was locked in a death grip with what appeared to be a small alligator. Cardiac arrest is putting it mildly. I freaked out. I ran to the stove top, turned off the pots and pans, and ran like a madwoman for the backyard.

It wasn't an alligator. I almost wish it were. There's only one kind of alligator. The kind with teeth. You beat it with a stick and call critter control and get your dog back inside. Frankie was wrestling with some monstrosity of an iguana. Between 3 and 4 feet in length, long creepy fingers with even longer, creepier Elvira Mistress of the Dark-like fingernails. Worst of all, it had a beard. A disgusting pointy, feathery Ramses Pharaoh of Egypt beard. Holy shit.

My husband insists that Frankie is a hero. That he was trying to valiantly protect his home from this giant lizard. I am not so sure. I have yet to read on the local news any headline even closely resembling: "GIANT LIZARD ATTACKS AND KILLS FAMILY OF FOUR, DOG ARRIVED TOO LATE."

We have tons of iguanas and lizards down here. They don't bother me. They hang out by the canal or in palm trees and sun bathe. I've never encountered an aggressive iguana. I'm pretty sure this dude was hanging out in our backyard and Frankie decided to drag him out by one of his long toenails and have it out.  What's scary about the lizard, to the point of my wishing it were an alligator, is that I have no idea what kind it was. People have a nasty habit of ordering exotic animals from Internet sites and trying to domesticate them as pets. Three months later they realize that their brand new Saudi Arabian Lizard of Venomous Excruciating Death is probably not the best pet to keep with Fido and the kids around. So they drive to the Everglades and drop them off. Or even worse, they open up their back door and turn them loose on society. I have no idea what this exotic animal is capable of. This lizard could have a seriously venomous saliva that will kill my dog or burn my lawn or both. 

 When I arrived at the scene of Diva Dog vs Psycho Lizard, I discovered that they each had a lock on each other and no one seemed willing to let go. The iguana was hissing and making all kinds of noise. I've never heard a lizard make noise before. 

I ran back to the house, got a broom and came back to the fight. I literally had to smack Frankie over the head three or four times before he let go of the iguana. When he finally did, the iguana tried to retaliate with its jaws open and its nails scratching. I grabbed Frank and ran for the house! Frankie maimed Ramses' right front leg. He had lizard goo all over him but otherwise, Frankie appears to be fine. He did have a nightmare tonight, he was whimpering and crying in his sleep, but at least he gave that lizard what for.  

I looked online to see if I could find out what species Ramses is. I could not find him, but if you take these two iguanas and put them together, you'll get a pretty good idea of what Frankie had his mouth on today.

He was about this thick, with fingers like that but add another inch or two worth of actual nail.

This is what his face and jaw looked like. His beard was closer to the tip of his jaw. 

Before I close, I'd like to send a personal thank you to the Trekkie, Dungeons and Dragons, live-in-my-parent's-basement, douche bag that ordered this mini-Godzilla and then released it into our neighborhood, I hope your Game cube blows a fuse and your favorite 7-11 shuts down you irresponsible, disgusting mouth-breather, hacking loser.