EMBARRASSING

Oh boy. The Bear has managed to seriously embarrass me a handful of times in the last month or two. In the spirit of transparency between Mommy friends, I shall now divulge these embarrassing moments to you. Beginning with:

1) Kinky Jews Yup. Kinky Jews. Went to the pediatrician's office for a check up and they put us in an exam room with walls bedecked in jungle animals. A kinkajou was perched high on a limb next to a large python. "Look," I said "what a cute little kinkajou!" The Bear's eyes grew round with this new animal name and he immediately repeated, "oooooo, a kinky jew." Yes, it was kind of cute. HOWEVER. The Bear has no sense of volume control yet. It wasn't whispered in a sweet voice filled with awe. It was shouted from the top of his lungs. Secondly, this Doctor's office has no policy on vaccine delay and so the majority of his patients are either hippies, green monsters or devout Jews hoping to avoid having their children injected with vaccines that contain chunks of animal protein. I was already aware that the patients in the exam room next door were all wearing yamakas. Chances they didn't hear? Mmmmm ZERO.

Added Bonus: Since he is 2, he feels the need to repeat everything at a machine gun pace for a good 5-10 minutes. Which meant that he stood there yelling, "KINKY JEWS KINKY JEWS KINKY JEWS KINKY JEWS" for a solid 5 minutes while I hissed at him to hush up.

2) Fish Tits~ This gem came out at my midwife's office. We were in the waiting room and the Bear was being very grown up at the moment. Sitting quietly by my side, on a very comfy couch, he gazed around the waiting room and pointed out all the different animals he could find. Most of them were hidden in the shapes of a large Tiffany lamp in the corner of the room. Suddenly his eye caught on the large Japanese silk screen which is framed and hung by the door of the acupuncture room. It depicts a lovely lady in a beautiful kimono, surrounded by floating koi fish. My son stares at it for a few minutes and then decides to yell out "FISH TITS!!!"

Keep in mind now...a medical office. Someone is in the acupuncture room, with an acupuncturist, likely armed with needles, in the process of stabbing a needle into some delicate area when a voice suddenly yells out, "FISH TITS." If this had been a Monty Python movie I probably would have heard an agonizing yelp from the other side of the door and then watched as someone ran from the room with a large needle protruding out of their eyeball. Or maybe a giant cartoon fish tit would have fallen on the office and smashed us to bits. Either scenario would have fit.

And yes, in answer to your mind's question, I died right on the spot.

"Sweetie, shhhhh! What are you talking about?" I begged.

"FISH TITS!!!"

"SHHHHHHHH. That isn't even anatomically possible. Those are just fish, please stop saying..."

"FISH TITS"

I ran the possibilities through my brain, which is rather slow these days as it is severely hindered by a computer virus known as PREGNANTMOMMYOF2TODDLERS.

"Fish tank?" I asked…no, PLEAD.

"Yeah! Fish tits!"

Awesome. We won't be going to Petsmart until that particular word develops correctly.

3) Big Penis~ The boys are in the midst of potty training now. I decided to refer to their tiny junk bits as pizzles because, as a veteran preschool teacher, I knew that one day they would become obsessed with their privates and run around announcing it to the world. And I do not wish to have the word 'penis' shouted in my home all the live long day. Pizzle. Very sweet, very British, I liked it and thats what I was planning on using until their friends mocked them and they suffered enough social ridicule to merit the use of a more sophisticated word. Well someone beat me to it. Thanks to whoever you are.

The Bear was naming things at the grocery store. Scary crocodile, a giant panda, an awesome fish, a wonderful walrus, etc. He comes up with a name for each product. Well that day he decided to name body parts. A cool nose, an amazing arm, you get were this is going. Unfortunately we were standing in front of the meat counter, waiting for the butcher to wrap up some pork chops when the Bear announced, "A BIG PENIS!!!!"

ACK!! What? I looked at him, wondering where he had heard this word and trying to think of a way to reincorporate pizzle before it was too late. He said it again. Three times.

Everyone looks at the mother when something like this happens. It doesn't help that the Bear looks like a cherub, he has the sweetest most innocent little face. So when something like that flies out of his mouth everyone's natural inclination is to look up at the monstrous woman raising him. The potty mouth sailor in maternity jeans who probably runs around shouting the word penis all day long and so it is no wonder her sweet little son picked up on it.

4) Awesome Nipples~ This also happened at the grocery store, thank the Lord it was on a different day. We came to a stop in front of the organic milk. The brand we buy features a cow on the front, utters prominently displayed.

"Look Mama, there's my cow!"

"Yes sweetie, that is your cow."

My youngest son looks at his brother, then at me and then at the carton of milk and says, "moo!" I am in a tizzy of maternal pride. Really, the mommy ego is quite big on this particular morning because the boys are behaving like angels and they match from head to toe which drives me giddy. Then the balloon pops big time.

"Oooo" says the Bear, "it has awesome nipples."

Fan-tastic.

I try to change the conversation but the carton is already in our cart. My son continues to point out its "awesome nipples" for the remainder of the shopping trip. This is acutely horrific when a very old lady with boobs down to her knees walks by just as my son announces to her, "awesome nipples."

5) Who's Making Noises? This last one happened today. I was out with the Bear and he informed me that he had to go potty. "A big fo" he said. We rushed into a public bathroom, the first such trip I have ever made in which I am responsible for holding a squirming pooping toddler over the edge of an adult toilet in a public bathroom. I usually bring a travel potty seat but of course, left it at home today.

We built a turban out of toilet paper for the seat and I plopped the Bear on it. He swung his legs around and started casually singing the ABCs. Then he heard the door to the restroom open. His eyes grew saucer shaped and he looked at me in shock, "Someone is here!" he said.

I nodded a quick confirmation, "Yup. Most of the potty rooms outside of our house are for more than one person."

This did not register with him. He started to get excited.

"I HEAR SOMETHING"

Dear God, I prayed to myself. It's me again. This is going to be about as trivial a request as it gets, but please, please let the call of nature next door be of the #1 kind and not the #2 kind. I really can not handle what will happen if its the #2 kind. I know my mother prayed that I would get a good dose of my own medicine when I made her life impossible some 23 years ago, but please Lord, please...

The woman let herself into the stall and proceeded to have her morning bowl movement.

The Bear immediately starts shouting in this very small, two stall bathroom with a loud echo that is growing louder by the minute...

"SOMEONE IS MAKING NOISES. Mama, do you hear? SOMEONE IS MAKING NOISES! Oh yes, very big noises Mama. WOW! Splashing in the water!!!"

I can't even remember everything I said, I think I was trying to cover up the sounds from the next stall so that the Bear would finish his deuce and allow us the mercy of a quick exit without facing this woman.

Not so.

The lady next door finally finished with a rather large splash which to my absolute mortification, the Bear responded to by saying, "Wow, a big fo splash." ("Fo" being his word for poop).

He also finished at this moment and I rushed to clean him up and get him out of there.

Stupid me. I should have waited in the stall like the coward I am. But I rushed and ended up opening our door at the same time our neighbor opened her door. We waited for her to use the only sink. We did not make eye contact. She was more than likely not amused.

The we went home, locked the doors and did not emerge for 6 years.

The End