Responsibility

In the fall of 2007 I was very busy growing the Bear in my huge belly and simultaneously putting in long days as a preschool teacher to seventeen very rowdy three year olds. The head count was technically eighteen, but I still believe one of them was not actually a toddler but a minion from the underworld sent to torment mankind. Ahem.

Anyways, I spent my days in a veritable extreme parenting crash course of horror and joy. These little guys taught me a lot, things like:

1) Little people need hugs too!

2) A cartoon band aid goes a long way...even if there is no visible ouchie.

3) Toddlers watch their parents more than they listen.

4) Always explain that play doh should never be stored in a nasal cavity. Even if you've explained the principle a thousand times before, it bears repeating.

5) Emergency rooms don't use stitches on small children anymore, they use a very strong glue.

6) Kids learn and behave the way they are expected to learn and behave.

7) You can never read too many books about bugs, snakes, lizards, bears or lions.

8) Even the prettiest princess will defend her lunchtime dessert with physical force if necessary. Therefore, never turn your back when there are oreos present, not even for a second!

9) If adults at home are cruel, oppressive, rude, condescending, cursing, vulgar, and dismissive of rules and those who enforce them---then surprise, surprise, their kids will be just that way too. (Disclaimer: Absolutely true, unless their child happens to be Matilda Wormwood).

10) If it looks like a booger and its anywhere near a three year old, then it is definitely a booger.

Those are just a few tiny nuggets gleaned from my first two weeks at the school. Now, I knew even then not to knock on other people's parenting decisions, I tried my hardest to separate the child's immediate needs from whatever lunacy some parent's where teaching at home. We really had a wide range of behavioral patterns and tendencies and it didn't take long to figure out that all of them stemmed from their home life.

Some children had no schedule at home, they were exhausted from staying up until midnight each evening and rising at six for school. Some children came to school without eating breakfast and were weeping by ten in the morning. Some children had great boundaries at home with bedtimes and breakfast included and they did pretty well.

I watched the parents and their children like a hawk. Not only because it was my job and because I loved those little brats with every fiber of my being, but because it was my turn next! I knew in the future I would make mistakes in parenting, but I witnessed a few things that impacted the way I would one day parent and I took all I could away from those instances. This led me to make some firm decisions that fall about what I wanted to do, and after all the necessary "tender love and care" stuff I resolved to give my kids the fundamental principle, a gift really, of responsibility.

I don't just mean my own promise of responsibility in caring enough to give them bedtimes, breakfast, baths, etc. I meant giving them the responsibility. Yes, even now at this tender tiny age.

I bought two nice white boards yesterday. They are in fact, responsibility charts, for my two rascals. They have chores/responsibilities that correspond with what they are capable of doing at their own age. For example:

Cubby's Responsibilities

1) Brush teeth

2) Comb hair

3) Wash hands

4) Clean up small toys and place them in bins

Bear's responsibilities

1) Put on own clothing/shoes (can ask for help)

2) Brush teeth and hair

3) Help Mommy with one house chore

4) Wash hands

5) Help clean up toys

6) Make bed

I expect these things of them because I believe they can do it. I know they can handle it. I trust them. I affirm them. Its a small list of things that I could obviously do for them, faster and better then they can, but letting them do these things says quite clearly "Mommy knows you can do it."

They take care of themselves, take pride in what they do and learn that they have a measure of control in their own life too.

My boys have polar opposite personality types that are easily stereotyped. People expect wild crazy behavior from Cubs. People expect controlled quiet behavior from the Bear.

They are neither absolute despite their pronounced personality traits. I expect good behavior from both. I expect them to be polite. I expect them to show kindness and respect.

I wasn't sure it would work when I first made that decision three years ago. But now I see that it does. When I am patient enough to turn the reigns over to them and allow them the freedom of a few choices, even if the outcome is what I wanted all along (i.e. Do you want to wash your hands with soap first or water first?) it means so much to them. I see it!! They twinkle with pride over their tasks.

Tomorrow we start putting check marks next to their responsibilities each day so they can visualize their progress. We are also building a pirate ship out of the dining room table and planning a vigorous sword fight with the foam sabers I purchased yesterday. My pirates will finish off their checklist and then battle it out in the dining room with the fearsome, wicked, peg-legged, Captain Mommy. The reward isn't always at the end of the checklist, it can happen along the way as well, after all, even pirates make their own beds.