Stillness

It's been a week since our horrifying death scare. In the days that followed I endured an unrelenting and agonizing rash from the anaphylactic reaction that left me bed ridden and miserable for the entire week. I wish it had been a topical rash, but unfortunately the reaction was internal and felt akin to blood poisoning, a furious heat all over every square inch of my body that left me unable to touch or be touched. On Wednesday my medication ran out and a secondary reaction ensued which landed me in the ER once again on Thursday. After another merciful round of steroids and more prescription medications I returned home feeling as if I had aged one hundred years in seven days.

I tried very hard this week to be patient and find things to be grateful for. The obvious thanksgiving to the Lord was for my life. He protected me. He gave me the gift of five minutes, so that the ER team could reach me in time. My husband and his gentle care of me and the children also topped the list. I tried to let these feelings of gratitude win out over anger and frustration. But it wasn't easy to begin each day thinking, "My boys could have been motherless today. My husband could have been a widower at the age of 28." Life felt extremely fragile.

The first few days in bed were maddening. I am an extremely active person and the words "bed rest" are not welcome ones in my book. The latent anaphylactic reactions were so extreme that I could not easily relax and so, "bed rest", felt more like trying to lay still when all I wanted to do was roll around in a pit of gravel just to have the itch relieved. But I stayed in bed, most of the time, and tried to be still. I tried to listen. I am still trying. The hospital scene keeps playing over and over in my head, the minutes changing, the "what ifs" raging, the heart sickness over what one small negligence can lead to.

But I have never once felt forsaken in the past week. I have felt cherished and loved. I have been blessed with several moments of quiet stillness. I have felt a measure of peace in that stillness.

Some of the happiest moments of my week came when I was able to steal away into my garden. I have poured so much of myself into this space that I can't help but feel reconnected and revived just by entering it. I love the infusion of calm it brings before you enter or leave the bungalow. This week gave me a lot of time to contemplate the next phase of the garden and I am really pleased with the new vision.

The garden structure has been in place for six months now. The roses, hedges, and shrubs are growing and thriving. I really wanted to make sure that the garden flowed well before I transitioned the last remaining corner into the side yard. I also needed time to figure out how I would structure and phase in the last piece. Now that the garden is established, I can do just that.

The back left corner of the garden has no gate and no hedge row, it opens up into an empty expanse of side yard. I have always envisioned some sort of path trailing towards the backyard but did not quite know if I should introduce a more tropical feel into the vegetation since our backyard is almost completely shrouded in palm trees. I did not want an abrupt contrast between English garden and South Florida backyard. I decided to stick with my gut and ease into the backyard with more native foliage and edible plants.

In the next few weeks I am hoping to find a wide white trellis to frame the end of the garden and will leave it open, without a gate. I have already purchased a rootstock of fortuiana climbing rose in a species called "Joseph's Coat," which is a climbing rose in brilliant hues of orange and yellow.

Today I purchased several large honeysuckles bushes in tropical shades of orange which will form the border hedgerow lining the side yard out to the back yard. Then throughout the summer, I will slowly fill in the remaining side spaces with an assortment of perennials and herbs that begin with the more cottage variety buttercups and end with native beauties that will blend well into the backyard. At some point I'll acquire stepping stones or perhaps even more bricks to finish off the look.

I spent a quiet morning today, purchasing new plants and I even managed to tend my garden for a few minutes before getting tired. My heart feels protected and at rest within this garden that I love so very much. I am thankful that God spared not only my life, but my ability to continue with the life I love in the way I love to live it. Serving my Lord, loving my husband, teaching my children and growing my flowers and occasionally embracing a sweet deep stillness.