Life

This all started with a death. The death of our 4th conceived child. Then a few days later we went to a new Doctor, who suspected that I had lymph cancer. This woman put us through the ringer for a few traumatic days. One night J and I sat in bed, crying out to God to spare my life and making plans for the horrific "what if" neither of us wanted to say out loud. I told him I wanted to record video messages for the boys. One for every birthday, each first day of school and Christmas. Then a few special ones for their first date, finding a wife, weddings days, going to college, on the birth of their first child. I wanted them to hear my voice as the grew up. I wanted them to know all I wished for them and how much I loved them. It was a painful night as J and I cried out for God's mercy. He gave it to us. 5 hours later at South Miami Emergency room a medical team saved my life, by the will and grace of God, after I went into anaphylactic shock over a misprescribed medication given to me by the new Doctor.

Miraculous. We prayed that He would spare me, and he did!

We went to an ENT a few days later, who told us that she highly doubted I had cancer of the lymph. I still need to return for a biopsy just to make sure, but she extremely confident that I am cancer free.

I've been in the ER five times in seventeen days. Last night was the fifth visit. My fast heart rate, chest pain, nausea, tingling legs, etc. Along with my two close live births and two subsequent miscarriages made me a prime candidate for pulmonary embolism. We were horrified. Thankfully, after a few nerve wracking tests, we were relieved to find out that I do not have any blood clots in my lungs. The symptoms are now linked to the lingering allergens in my body from the initial reaction. I will still need to see the following specialists in the coming weeks: ENT (for biopsy), Cardiologist, Psychologist (for anxiety treatment), Allergist, and Infectious Diseases Specialist. We are praying that God places wise professionals in our path that will make accurate diagnosis of my health situation.

I am not afraid of sickness. I am secure in the hand of my Savior. My eternal life started when I asked the Lord into my heart as a child, it is not something I have to die in order to obtain. That life is already mine. Death can hold no victory over me, ever, my Jesus won it all.

Stating the above gives me peace. But it doesn't lessen my discomfort with doctors and hospitals. J and I are exhausted. I am close to my breaking point. I feel vulnerable. I feel guilt for the weeks I have missed with my precious boys. I can't nurse Cubby for 3 days due to the radioactive treatments I received in the hospital. It breaks my heart to hear him cry for my milk when I cannot give him any. And the Bear throws himself on the floor against furniture whenever I walk into a room, collapsing with a dramatic whimper and looking at me as if to say, "Now will you stay Mommy? Now will you notice me?" My heart bleeds when this happens. I am counting down the days until I can finally take care of my children again without interruption in the form of severe health issues.

This started with a death, continued with an impending death, interrupted by a near death, sustained by a possible death and now... now there is suddenly, life. Not just my own that has been mercifully spared, but the the new life that grows in me. We are pregnant again. Somehow, despite the recent miscarriages, the near death, the steroids, the drugs, the heart episodes, somehow, this little baby is fighting for its life.

I'm praying for this child every day and I will love him with all that I am for as long as I have him. There is a good chance that our child may be born with health issues due to the strain he is under at the moment. But he will be born into a home of love and into open arms. I pray that God protect him from that kind of painful suffering, but mostly I pray for his life to be spared. We will keep you updated on our lives.

Praise be to God.