Tantrum

I didn’t realize I was having a tantrum. I only saw the three year old having a tantrum.

But I in retrospect I see that I was most definitely having a full blown tantrum in my mind and in my heart.

You see, Cubs and I are the same.

Exactly the same.

Minus our coloring and gender differences, we are the same.

We both love adventure, danger, mud puddles, control, lending a hand, bubble baths, working outside, getting our hands dirty with a good project. We are needy and affectionate. We lose our tempers and are ruled by passion. We are natural born leaders and idea generators. As the older one in the twosome I have had the advantage of twenty five years to learn the best way to reign in my more ballistic personality traits and nurture my useful ones…but poor Cubs has not had this advantage.

He reminds me of the fairies in J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan. They are so small they only have room to feel one emotion at a time. Thats my Cubs, he is either all happiness or all anger. So its not uncommon for him to have a tantrum. A full blown, throw your head back and wail like a banshee who just stubbed his toe TANTRUM.

Things start coming apart in my brain when he throws a tantrum. Like those GE kitchen commercials when the appliances start unhinging and breaking apart to reveal every cog and screw within. My brain cabinets open and bits of information start falling out…memories, lessons learned, conversations with God, screaming sessions with my parents, broken hurts that still need mending, everything floats in the air for a moment so that I can get a good 3D introspective gander at it before the pieces all clash to the floor.

Basically, I look at him and then proceed to have a meltdown over my own mistakes and personality flaws.  I want him to progress to where I am. To channel his passion for good, to curb his anger and greed for instant satisfaction. I am ashamed of the condition of his heart and of my own for feeling that way. I am frustrated with myself for losing my temper in favor of the quick behavioral fix rather than a calm wise character building illustration a la’ Marmie from Little Women.

So I am taking this all apart GE style. Looking for the best ways to aid him in gaining the tools and understanding he needs to figure himself out. As my husband so wisely pointed out a few nights ago, our city is filled with boys who never grow up to be men. They get the tattoos, work on body building, buy huge cars and hide behind their hobbies, always escaping the moment that tests their metal, shrugging off the chance to accept responsibility and face it like a man. Hiding behind their own tantrums.

I long for Cubs to be heart strong so that when his moment comes, he can choose to be a man and step up to the task before him. I hope he knows himself well enough to make the right decisions, that his feet will be firmly planted in the truth of God’s word so that he will not waver from it merely to appease what the world sees as correct or true.

In the meantime, I am beginning to get the feeling that this motherhood gift of excruciating self-examination that comes with each milestone in my children’s development is not going to go away anytime soon. Its here for good, isn’t it?  Thank God.

Ann Voskamp wrote on her blog yesterday,

"Mothers never stop being with child. You always make a space for me within you."

It hit me hard. I really needed those 9 months of pregnancy to prepare myself for the task ahead. I could not have had everything ready, all the perfect answers, if pregnancy only last a week. In the same way, I need their whole childhood to be ready for each stage as it comes. I need the step by step development alongside them. They need me to need this. 


So while I would love to look at my son in the midst of a tantrum, cluck my tongue and slap out an awesome life lesson, I know that the greater value for us both is to hold each other's hands and get through our tantrums together, letting him know that he is not alone, Mommy is working on it too.

Oh... and prayers and chocolate. Let’s not forget those….