Hands

A week ago I had a huge smile on my face and a euphoric glow radiating from my body. A newly discovered little life grew inside me and I fully expected to have her in my hands by the late fall. I sang to her, read my Bible out loud for her in the mornings, placed my hand over her growing space and even had the boys chatter their little secrets to her. I day dreamed and fantasized over the coming months, I drew up nursery plans and met with my midwife to discuss our next home birth and I felt dizzy with excitement for the coming year.

But I had another miscarriage on Wednesday, the second one in five months. Now my hands, heart, body, everything, feel empty. I spent the week praying, "Not my will, but Your will, Lord." And I meant it. The grieving is numbingly real. The sorrow reaches deep into my bones and I feel this loss with every breath I take. My comfort is in Christ alone. This is one of those moments were I can only cleave to the cross, whether in pain, anger or confusion. I am blessed that I can share those feelings with my Lord and let Him heal me and care for my broken heart.

Cubby is teething and the Bear is suddenly experiencing a new found separation anxiety, these two combined leave me with very little time to myself. But even with all the usual hustle and bustle of the bungalow, I find myself craving projects for my hands. Something...anything... to keep my hands from yearning for the feel of my sweet babies that have passed away.

And so I keep working on Project Patio, I keep working on my quilt, I keep working on my writing projects, and I begin adding new projects like making homemade cheese, canning marinara sauces and fresh jams. I keep, I keep, I keep, I add, I add, I add and all this busyness propels me through my days until I can finally crawl into bed each night with my thoughts and my mourning and my exhaustion and into long conversations with Jesus.

My hands can't seem to find enough to do. I clean my house thoroughly, I garden, I play with my boys and care for them, and still I want more to do. I hope this insatiable craving for projects won't leave me work worn, depressed and crazy in a few months time. I just want to channel all that sorrow into making beautiful things and caring for my family. Its all I can do in a situation that is completely out of my hands. We lose control in one area, we are inclined to take control in another, really all I can do is surrender all control to God and His will. I'm sure this project panic will end in a week or two and it will end when two words echo loudly into my heart, BE STILL.

I am very thankful for the life I sheltered in my womb, however brief. I still feel content with my life and blessed by my family, I am grateful to God for what he has done in my life and I will keep blessing His name. But my heart is truly broken and my hands are aching for something to do just so I can get through the day. Memorizing scripture has helped me lately (add that to the list I suppose) here is one in particular that I hold on to. I'll sign off with these words that have brought so much comfort in the last few days.

Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy

Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.

You are my God, save your servant who trusts in you

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.

Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for mercy.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.

Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord, no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made will come and worship before you,

O Lord, they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds, you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth,

give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;

You have delivered me from the depths of the grave

Psalm 86: 1-13