Catching Up/Catching Colds

All of my blissful birthday planning circled the drain at about 4AM on the 13th of December. The Bear woke up, burning with fever and all thoughts of birthday cheer flew out of my head as I held his small trembling body in my hands. Off we went to the emergency room, where my brave little boy endured hours of painful testing, extreme discomfort and shoddy care before we finally returned home exhausted and disillusioned. I spent the morning and early afternoon hours caring for him while he whimpered sadly on my bed. Later that day we all dressed up and went to my parents as planned, for my birthday dinner feast, which was absolutely lovely. My mother made my favorite, strawberry shortcake, and we enjoyed the evening as much as possible before having to take the Bear home again.

A few days later we left for Disney World. J, the boys, my mother and I spent a few days in Orlando and we celebrated my birthday at the Magic Kingdom. I'm not sure what it is about Disney World that always gets me. Perhaps its the story of Walt Disney and his incredible talent, love and persistence in putting together a dream world for all to enjoy. It could just be that Disney World feels like the inside of a fairy tale snow globe in my imagination, one I can visit and put back on the shelf where it remains untouched until I return. Even though we are always surrounded by thousands of other tourists when we go, you somehow still feel that it is a secret world, waiting to be revealed. Either way, when we finally walked onto Main Street and I saw the looks of unveiled wonder on my children's faces it brought tears to my eyes. I felt grateful that they could experience such wonder and magic in their lives when so many other children only see war and poverty. What joy to celebrate my sons and their ability to experience imagination and dreams! It was a truly happy birthday.

I haven't been able to write much as of late. This is due to several things...

In part because the boys have been catching cold after cold since thanksgiving and in part because my heart is still aching over our lost pregnancy. It is a loss I feel deep in my bones and writing opens up the most vulnerable parts of that hurt. At times its easier to walk away from writing for awhile and allow my heart to grieve.

Then there is my usual seasonal slow down. This always happens because of the rushing world around me. I never feel rushed at Christmas. Seeing the general public panicking over gifts and scurrying from party to party makes me want to stop altogether and curl up on my couch and breathe deeply. I climb into a little hideaway spot, tucked away in my mind and mull over the past year. I try to be deliberate about eliminating things that did not work for us as a family and including things that will improve our quality of life together. One of the things I loved about the past year was this small space of mine. Being able to write down the little things in life that I cherish helps me to savor each day and I am glad that years from now the boys can look on these pages and know me. I have had many hours this Season of such pondering and thinking---but one thing has definitely been sorely missed.

I am saddened to have missed every Advent Sunday of the season at our new church. I refuse to take my children to the nursery at church when they are sick, out of respect for the other families and their children. There is nothing worse than being greeted at the door of the church nursery by children with runny noses and hacking coughs, and so to avoid a revival of the plague, we have opted to stay home from church.

Even though I have missed the carols and scripture readings, I have still greatly enjoyed Advent. The power of love and peace overwhelms me at Christmas. I grieve for those that spend their lives devoted to cold, lifeless statutes. Particularly during advent, when the magnificence of Christ is truly illuminated! Sending His Son down to us, extending His perfect and holy presence into the filth and mire of our world--- makes me tremble with the knowledge that God has purposefully chosen to engage in my life. We, who fear to be too personal with others, are confronted by the Christ child at Christmas.

May the presence of Christ confront you this Christmas, may it surround you with peace and engage your heart with His undying love.